To Post or Not To Post...

that has been the question on my mind for the past week or so and I've decided to go ahead and do it. This post will be long, personal and might contain too much information for some, so if you don't want to read it or just want to skim it feel free, I guess I'm doing this mostly for me since it is something that has already had a big impact on my life.

Tuesday, March 31st- I anxiously awaited the time to leave school, in fact I left about 15 minutes early (don't tell anyone) and got to my doctor's appointment with time to spare. I was so excited to get the chance to see my little peanut on the ultrasound. I was 9 1/2 weeks along and couldn't wait to receive the reassurance that all was developing well and to give me the proof I needed so that I could share my news with my family and friends soon!!! I chatted with Dr. Yama for awhile, he mentioned how we needed a little boy this time around, and then it was time for the ultrasound. He found the gestational sac quickly, "bingo" he said with a smile, I noticed he would stop to take a picture and measure a couple of times and the smile changed to concern and I didn't hear the excited "there it is" I was waiting for. The first comment he said was "are you sure of your dates"...of course I was, within days anyway. "Well, the gestational sac is only measuring 5 weeks". "That's not good then is it?" I said. "Let's go look at your dates and see if it could possibly make sense" he commented. I knew there was no way I could be off by over a month. The next few minutes were a blur. I watched as he typed in "5 wk ges sac, no fetal pole" on the computer screen and I heard the words "blighted ovum, missed miscarriage, and failed pregnancy". He did not sound hopeful at all, he told me that I'd have my blood taken to measure my hormone levels today and then, again on Thursday, but to "prepare for the worst". I think I left the office in a state of shock, disbelief and confusion. If it wasn't developing or hadn't past the fifth week, then why did I still feel pregnant. I still had constant morning sickness, not as bad as my previous pregnancies, but I still was sick daily and I was soooo tired. I had all the symptoms, so how could I have miscarried, how do you have a missed miscarriage? How does your body not realize that a fetus is not developing? Why did I have to go through all those symptoms for nothing? I had thought since I'd had 2 healthy pregnancies that I wouldn't ever have a miscarriage. I had so many questions and yet, I would have to wait for the blood results to confirm what the doctor suspected. I think I knew in my heart what the results would be.

Wednesday, April 1st-I got a call back to let me know about my blood results...they said the hcg levels were over 12,000 and the nurse informed me that those results would indicate that I was 7-8 weeks along, so she said it was a good thing. I still didn't feel convinced for sure since the ultrasound said 5 weeks and I really should be over 9 weeks. But, I had a little glimmer of hope. Waiting for Thursday seemed like an eternity.

Thursday, April 2nd-I went over as soon as I could after work to get the blood drawn and I called the nurse to see if she could get me the results as soon as possible. I waited by the phone all day and finally got the call while I was on the phone with a friend and missed it. I listened to the message and I should've known by the tone of the nurse's voice that it wasn't good, I called back eager to find out before they closed for the day and barely made it. My bad feelings were confirmed when she told me my levels had dropped. The inevitable was happening, my body was miscarrying, it just hadn't done it on its own yet. I was told about my options and quickly decided that I wanted to do a D&C since my body obviously had not clued in to the fact that the fetus stopped developing over a month ago. I asked if I could get in the next day, Friday, but I was told that I'd have to wait until the doctor's surgery day on Wednesday. Are you kidding me? I would have to wait another 6 days, feeling pregnant, yet not being pregnant, having just a gestational sac inside of me, but with nothing developing. I didn't know how I could wait that long.

Friday, April 3rd-Sunday, April 5th-I stayed home from work on Friday, I just couldn't bear to go in, I had gone through so many emotions and just didn't think I could focus on teaching or going to a meeting in my current state of mind. Saturday went okay and I started spotting and cramping and I thought "Oh no, I'm going to end up doing this on my own even though I don't want to." I ended up having the same thing happen on Sunday and I had reached a point where I was so frustrated that I called the on-call doctor to see if they could get me in for the procedure on Monday, I just didn't want to wait any longer, I needed closure, I needed to move on, I didn't think I could make it in this limbo state. "Couldn't I just have another doctor do it for me, I really don't want to wait any longer" I explained to her. "It has to be an emergency for you to go in at another time" she replied. Isn't this an emergency? Isn't losing a baby an emergency situation? Isn't your body not taking care of it on its own and suffering through pregnancy symptoms for over a month for no reason causing this to be an emergency? Isn't my emotional suffering an emergency? When I told her I didn't want to go to work for fear that the miscarriage would happen there so why not have the procedure done since I was already taking off work, I was then told to just live my life normally and not to worry. Normal? Are people just not aware of what a missed miscarriage does to your life? My life was no where near normal at the present moment, I was going through a life-changing event and stuck not knowing when or if the miscarriage might occur on its own.

Monday, April 6th-Another office visit...my doctor did another ultrasound and informed me that the gestational sac was more asymmetrical now and it meant that my body was realizing it, he asked if I'd had some cramping and spotting and I confirmed to him that I had. "Maybe your body will just take care of it on its own before your D&C on Wednesday". Did he even listen to me when I said that I didn't want to have my body do it on its own? I wanted to have the D&C. I made it through the appointment and sat in my car and cried. I was frustrated that this was all happening, yet more upset that I had no control over anything...my body, having the procedure done sooner than later so that I could move on, and my emotions. I had gone through a roller coaster of emotions in the past week...shock, disbelief, frustration, confusion, hope, sadness, relief (my pregnancy symptoms were waning), and I actually felt okay about it at times, soon to be replaced with guilt for feeling like it was okay. I just didn't understand how I should have to wait almost a week more to have the D&C, but as I sat there wondering what else could be done, I said a prayer for comfort and understanding. I had said many prayers throughout the past few days, but suddenly I felt okay about waiting, I felt like things were going to be okay. I think having nice weather helped my spirits and the cramping and spotting had stopped, so Monday and Tuesday we spent time together as a family...we played outside, went to the park and to the zoo. It helped to take my mind off of things somewhat and I have to admit it was nice to have Curt home and do some fun things with the girls on some gorgeous spring days.

Wednesday, April 8th-The day of the procedure. I was so worried and anxious about going into surgery. I have never had surgery before and I have a hard time with dealing with things that I don't understand or haven't experienced before. Curt came with me to the hopital to be with me and it was nice to have him with me, we had to wait over 2 hours before I was taken to pre-op. He left when they took me in to the surgery area and honestly, it was over with before I knew it and everything went well. I came out of the anesthesia quickly and when I came back to my room, Curt was there with a bouquet of flowers for me. What a great husband!!! I came home yesterday and have actually been doing really well, not much pain and not much spotting at all.

This experience has been difficult, but I can honestly say that it has already brought about some good things in my life. I have gained a greater appreciation for my two beautiful daughters and I have noticed that little things that usually frustrate me about them, have not been frustrating me quite as much. I have gained a greater appreciation for my husband, he has been great to help with the kids, to show how he cares by rubbing my back or just cuddling me, and he has cancelled some of his plans to stay with me. He may not quite understand all of my feelings, I don't think husbands really ever do, but he listens to me and lets me share my feelings about it. I have realized through this experience that I have such great support in my life and I have people that truly love and care about me and my family. I have the best family and friends and I am so grateful for all the help they have given to us. They have helped out in so many ways, I couldn't imagine my life without them. I have gained a greater appreciation for prayer and for my Heavenly Father's help. I know that I am never alone and I know that I can always ask for comfort and peace and it will be given to me. I know that I don't understand exactly why this happened and I know that I may not know why until after this life, but I know that things happen for a reason. I know that I will be sad at times thinking about my little one that didn't make it to this Earth and I'm sure it will be especially difficult on the big days that I had anticipated...I was planning on finding out its gender on my birthday and its due date was on Halloween. I'm sure those dates will be hard for me and I'm sure I will think of what could have been sometimes, but I know that in those times I can pray for comfort and it will be given to me. I know that we also must have difficult and sad times so that we can understand and value the easy and joyous times. We look forward now with a hope that we will get pregnant again as soon as is recommended and I'm sure that we will have another baby in the near future and until that time I will appreciate and love the girls that I do have with all my heart!